Oh!
(LAUGHS)
Oh!
(CLAPS)
- Oh! - That's my favorite.
Those are my favorite. I like the "Ooh" too, so...
- The cue cards are working. Awesome. - Yes, they are.
I have a feeling that these Whoopsies
are going to be the best we've ever done.
I mean, there's nothing like watching videos
of your coworkers eating shit and getting hurt.
- It's just classic. Yeah. - It's the best.
- Oh! - Oh!
- Are you all right? - Whoopsie.
(ALL LAUGH)
Yo, Tez, dude.
Deadline for Whoopsie submission is 5:00.
Please, fool. Got a hidden camera in our cubicle.
See, Colleen gave me some extra birthday cake.
Took a couple of bites, threw it away.
I bet you Bill pulls it out and eats it,
even though I cut my toenails over the trash can.
- ALICE: No. - What?
- DERS: And he saw you? - Yeah, he saw me do it!
That is disgu... Why are you doing that at work?
- You're disgusting. - I am not disgusting.
I have a hammertoe. So stop! Hammertoe.
(SINGING) Uh! Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah
Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, hammertoe
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you guys. He's totally doing it.
- He's totally doing it. - He's doing it.
- He's doing it right now. - See?
- Mmm. - See?
- Oh, my God. - Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh, that's the big nail.
- That's the big nail. - Ugh!
Mmm. Mmm.
- Oh, my God. - Mmm. Mmm.
Whoopsies!
(LAUGHTER)
BLAKE: Totally, totally.
(BEATBOXING)
(SINGING) I'm fresh
You gotta, you gotta You gotta, gotta
Gotta be fresh
- (IMITATING BLOWS LANDING) - (BLAKE CHUCKLES)
Hey, did you get these lights for the Whoopsies?
- No, I thought you got 'em. - No, I didn't.
They look really nice, though. They look like they're from Party City.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well,
apparently we had the all-time lowest sales numbers
in TAC history last month.
Whoopsies!
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, exactly.
So corporate has decided to bring in
"Best-selling author
"and world-renowned motivational speaker
"Bianca Toro."
So give it up or don't, I don't care,
for Bianca.
(LIGHT APPLAUSE)
- (WHISTLING) - Bianca?
Oh, great, perfect. She's on the crapper.
- (BOTH BLOW RASPBERRY) - (LAUGHS)
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
BIANCA: Everything is about to change, in three...
- It's gas! ...two, one!
Whoo!
Yeah!
All right!
Everybody get the fuck up!
Get the fuck up, yes!
Yes, go ahead.
Hug your neighbor, huh?
Come on, hug it out.
Show them how much they mean to you.
You two, hug it out!
(LAUGHS) That's it.
She's like a motivational stripper.
Yeah, uh-huh. Excuse me! Sorry to interrupt. How long is this gonna take?
It's just we have a pretty intense technical rehearsal
we need to run for an awards show later.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - Oh, you know what?
How long this takes, that is up to you.
- Great. Let's wrap it up. - Yeah.
I don't give a shit about telemarketing.
I don't care about your sales numbers.
I don't give a shit about corporate.
I am here for you.
And you and you
- and you and you. - Not here for me, probably.
I care about you.
- Your hands smell like Cinnabon. - Yeah, they do.
All right, sit it.
Sit, sit.
I'm sitting 'cause I want to, not 'cause she told me.
Who here thinks this is a bunch of bullshit?
I think it's a ton of bullshit.
- Get 'em, girl! - Drop it on 'em, a-bomb.
Hey, come here.
I barely bite.
(SIGHS)
All right.
I'm gonna ask you a question.
And then you tell me the truth,
and I swear, I will walk out this door.
- You will never see me again. - No!
- Deal? - Deal.
Okay.
Who's the author of your life?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Hmm. - No, no.
I'm not religious.
I'm the author of my life.
That's a lie, and you fucking know it!
Okay, she says a lot of F words.
Who shapes your narrative, huh?
Who steers your ship?
Captain Phillips.
Who is that?
My... My mom drank.
- Boom. - A lot.
- Ah. - She put me through hell.
Bad Moms. That's a good movie.
Women are funny, no matter what Ders says.
Ghostbusters the new one is the Ghostbusters to me.
You know what? Your mom is a lot like my dad.
(CRYING) Really?
Yeah. Yeah.
But I thank him every day,
because he make me the emotional fucking warrior
that you see in front of you today.
I'm the author of my own life.
I choose happiness.
I choose kindness.
I choose positivity.
(LAUGHS)
I choose... Say it, now.
"I choose."
I choose.
Okay, who? Who?
I choose.
All right. Who chooses?
- I choose! - I choose.
I choose. Who chooses?
ALL: I choose!
BIANCA: Say it. Who? ALL: I choose!
Yes! Yes.
Give her a fucking hand!
Oh, come on, give her a hug!
Lift her up where she belongs!
Hoist that bitch up!
Wha!
Yeah!
I feel so free!
Right, okay, let's save some energy for the Whoopsies.
Oh, guys, let her down.
(STAMMERS) Oh, yeah, the Whoopsies.
No, I don't think we need
that kind of negativity in the office, right, Bianca?
You are in control of your own life.
Shut up. What?
Yeah, I choose that the Whoopsies are canceled!
But, Alice, your red carpet gown, it's gorgeous.
(WHISPERING) Can I talk into your microphone?
(WHISPERING) You just did.
(SNIFFS)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC)
All right, everybody, follow me. We are gonna do group work.
- Adam. - Mmm? What's up?
DERS: Just wait. One thing.
- What up? Have fun. All right, cool. - All right, thank you so much.
- Great job, honestly. - Great lights, great lights.
- So what's the plan? - For what?
- The Whoopsies must go on. - Oh, no, I know.
I hope you're not talking to me. I know.
I put $30 down on the tux rental, non-refundable.
All right, so we just got to, like, deprogram Alice,
remind her how much she loves the Whoopsies...
Except that I'm choosing not to do that
because I'm choosing to be my own person and pattern my life after Bianca Toro.
- What are you talking about? - Later, bitches.
- Are you se... - We've lost him.
Who here is ready to see the world in a whole new way?
I am! I am so ready.
- I'm also ready. - Okay.
Open up your eyes.
Why is he over there with you?
Shut the fuck up, Babak, okay?
I am here because if you would truly
open your eyes,
you would fucking see that I'm the co-fucking-motivator.
Can somebody fix me?
My mind is a tormented battlefield.
We're gonna get you there, my friend.
- Yes, we are. - We're working on you, Bill.
BIANCA: Adam, I love your spirit.
Why don't you go ahead and take that spirit
and join the rest of your group?
- Okay? - Okay.
Okay, the name of the game is musical chairs.
- Kid stuff, right? - BOTH: Yeah.
- Wrong! - Wrong. It is wrong.
Musica, Jose.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor...
Let the bodies hit the...
- (MUSIC STOPS) - Oh! Oh, my gosh.
- (LAUGHING) - Oh, my gosh.
What happened here?
- Everyone got a chair? - Yes!
- Yeah. - I'm glad you found that.
BIANCA: Now, there were enough chairs,
but instead of saying,
"Hey,
"how do we go after this
"as a, as a group?" Hmm?
Y'all went, "Me, me, me, me, me!"
Yeah, like a bunch of bitches.
The lesson here
is that when we face our problems, we do it as a team.
We're stronger whenever the flock flies together.
Let's hear it.
ALL: We're stronger whenever
the flock flies together.
- Let's hear it! - ALL: We're stronger whenever
the flock flies together.
And back to me.
I'm flying in with
another thought as a co-motivator.
Okay, think about it.
Sometimes, every once in a while, perhaps,
a chair might break
and there's not enough chairs for everyone.
What do you do?
Hit the music.
I will not hit the music.
There's no music. Chair, this one, broken.
(THUDS)
(BIANCA CHUCKLES)
Oh, I landed on my nut.
Ah, I belvedered my balls.
That hurts.
- I'm not gonna puke. - BIANCA: No.
- No! No, no. - Ah, be strong.
- Really? - Be strong.
Okay, you know what, Adam?
Let's you and I,
let's have a 20-second pow-wow over here, okay?
Now, I want to take you to the next level, okay?
Yup, level me up.
I want to tell you about something called "the clarity".
Now, this is the secret to everything.
Sounds cool. Sounds sick. Tight.
It's all those things. But first,
I'd like you to take Bill outside,
have a one-on-one session with him.
- Can you do that? - Fight him?
No, no fighting. Just see if you can't get to his raw truth.
Sounds like something that I'd be interested in.
You do that, and I'll bestow on you the clarity.
- Deal? All right. - Yes! Deal.
Okay, my computer's on fire?
No, but our pants are because we lied.
Sowwy.
Look, I know you guys are upset
because I canceled the Whoopsies,
but listen to this...
(CLEARS THROAT) "Sometimes the things that upset us the most
"are the things that teach us the most."
Alice, hey. Hey. What is happening?
We just lied to you, our boss, and lured you into your office.
You should be calling us dildos and telling us to
suck our
dicks off our own butts or something.
That was the old me.
Alice, that was the real you.
- Yeah. - Okay? You can't just change who you are.
Yes, I can, because it says so on page seven...
Okay, you know what?
Now there is no page seven, so you can't change.
Yums away.
- Ah! - BLAKE: Are you all right?
Paper cut, roof of mouth.
Does that make you mad? Does that piss you off?
- Mad now? - Look at how fucking pissed you are!
- Let's see it! - Give us the Alice we want!
- (WEAKLY) Call me a dildo. - (WEAKLY) Call him a dildo.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
No,
I know that you're mad, and I get why.
- Oh, yeah? - Hmm.
Oh!
Whoopsies.
(WHISPERING) It broke.
It's all broked.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You can't make me mad.
I am the author.
Oh, yeah?
Well, let's just see about that.
What do we got here? Oh-ho-ho-ho!
(GASPS) A Jose Canseco bat.
Tell me you didn't pay money for this.
BLAKE: Are you serious?
- Wah! - Ders!
- Whoa! - BLAKE: Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
BLAKE: Oh, yeah?
- (LAUGHS) - Whoopsies!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Now she's mad. Now you're mad? - Are you mad now? Huh?
Whoopsies!
Whoopsies! Whoopsies! Whoopsies! Whoopsies!
- Yeah. - Whoopsies!
- Oh! Oh! - Oh!
Okay, that's a religious thing. We're gonna leave that there.
(GRUNTING VIOLENTLY)
Boom!
- Whoopsies. - Oh!
What about this nice little crystal trophy?
How about we say "later" to that, huh?
No, wait! Stop. Give me that.
Uh-oh.
Okay, so now what? Now what?
You gonna, you gonna, like, tell us,
"Go home now, no pay"?
- Yeah, "Shove it up your man holes." - You guys are right.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
This place is a prison.
Yeah.
It's a prison I built.
(SCOFFS)
And it's a prison I'm gonna destroy!
- Oh! - Whoa, whoa! Hey!
(LAUGHING)
What, what are you doing? You crazy?
I'm freeing us!
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
You know what?
I'm gonna tell corporate...
- Oh! - Ah!
...that we want to shut it down. - Why would you do that?
And you know what? They will.
Because they've wanted to do it all along anyway.
We just want the fucking Whoopsies.
Don't you see?
We got to follow our passions.
We have to choose our paths.
- No, no, no. - I don't...
No one chooses this.
- Hey. - Thank you.
Thank you, guys, for showing me the light.
We're free!
Are you ready to be a fucking author
and change your life forever?
Can we talk about my relationship with my stepsister?
I feel like it might not be appropriate.
Bill, shut up. When I look at you,
I see untapped potential.
But you know what else I see, Bill?
I see fear.
And it's time for you to take that fear
and light it on fucking fire, Bill!
So we're glossing over the whole stepsister thing?
Bill, take off your shoes and socks.
What are we doing? Is it safe?
Oh! Oh! I just started your fucking fear on fire, Bill.
Now...
Okay, Bill.
Just don't even think about it, all right?
Just go ahead and do it. Walk across...
Whoa, you're doing it.
Oh! I'm doing it!
- I'm doing it! - Oh, yes!
Oh, my, I'm a fucking motivator.
I'm gonna try to have sex with my stepsister!
Clarity! I'm gonna see that shit!
Thank you, Adam.
You're right. I can do anything.
You're right.
I can do anything.
(SCREAMING) Shit!
Oh, I should have told you,
I have diabetic neuropathy in my feet.
I can't feel a thing down there.
But if it makes you feel better,
the skin is bubbling off of my feet, too.
It doesn't make me feel better, Bill!
Kick it
Okay, next we are going to share PCOs,
which stands for...
ALL: Primary Choice Objectives.
Give yourselves a massive fucking round of applause.
- Yeah! - Whoo!
- Yeah! - Yes.
- Yeah! - Yes!
Yeah.
Hey, whoa! Thank you. You're applauding me.
That is... That is sweet of you.
I know I was only gone for a short period of time,
and I didn't hurt myself, so I'm ready for the clarity.
We'll get to that clarity a little later.
I'd love to get to it now. That'd be awesome.
- Clarify me. Clarity it. - Yeah, not, not just yet.
But right now, we're gonna share.
Who wants to roar? Huh?
Alice, I know you want to stand up and roar.
- I will. - ALICE: I want to roar.
BIANCA: Come on.
I choose to shut the office down permanently.
Yeah, shut it down! Let's go to DQ.
Hot eats, cool treats. Come on!
Yeah, you guys, Bianca was right.
Think about it.
I mean, we have been stuck here for years.
Isn't it time for us to move on?
Yeah, and then we go to Dairy Queen.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Shut it down.
BOTH: Shut it down.
ADAM: We started that. ALL: Shut it down!
Shut it down!
BIANCA: Yeah! ALL: Shut it down!
- Whoo! - ALL: Shut it down!
- Shh! Shh! - Quiet.
BLAKE: Shut your goshdarn mouths, please.
Okay, so you guys, what, are just fine with being unemployed?
BIANCA: Oh. No, no. You know what it is?
They are fine
with being the authors of their own lives,
for choosing to follow their dreams.
I should be the CEO of a Lady Foot Locker by now.
- Mmm. - That's foolish.
And I'm gonna tell my stepsister I love her and that she shouldn't marry Calista!
- There you are. - Time out!
Do I need to remind you guys
that this is TelAmeriCorp Rancho Cucamonga,
where all dreams go to die?
Yeah, you buttheads are delusional.
- We're human pieces of crap here. - Yeah.
- Oh, and we are also guilty, okay? - Oh, yeah.
You're looking at two big old bozos over here, all right?
- The turd brothers. - (CHUCKLING) Hello.
Just pinched right into the bowl of TAC.
Look at us. We're pushing 30.
We don't have anything to our names.
- Nope. - I've got this tie
that somebody tied for me about seven years ago.
I think maybe we got to roll it.
Well, you don't believe us?
Okay, you want to see it?
You want to see video evidence?
You keep looking at us like you want to see it.
- Show it to 'em. - Here we go.
Enjoy.
Help! I'm stuck.
DERS: Adam's stuck in the vending machine.
BLAKE: Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and reach up there and pull your hand out.
Ah, crap.
Now Blake's stuck in the vending machine.
DERS: Stop. Here. Let me get you guys.
- Here, let me get... Let me get it. - Ders.
- Ah! - Oh, that's...
- Ah! - How did... Damn it! Ah!
And now I'm stuck in the vending machine.
Oh, man, that was stupid.
The point is, Alice, you can't quit.
You can't shut this down, because we're not all
winners with untapped potential, okay?
We're losers who are exactly where we're supposed to be.
Bottom of the shit pile.
Well, you know... (CHUCKLES)
They might have a point.
I mean, I don't have a lot ofjob skills.
- Zero. - Smartest thing he's said.
Show us more Whoopsies! Who's the big winner?
Stop it!
None of you are winning
when you are celebrating humiliation!
Yeah.
BIANCA: Don't you see that?
You're all better than that.
I promise you, we're not, okay?
Just look around the room.
Would you hire one person from this room to work for you?
Well, I would absolutely hire one person from this room.
ADAM: Is it me? It's me, isn't it?
I'm gonna be your co-motivator. I'm gonna get the clarity.
I choose Alice.
- What? - ADAM: You would hire Alice over me?
This is bullshit.
(STAMMERS) You would really hire me?
- Absolutely. - Wow!
I thought there was something special about you
the moment that I came leaping through that door.
- Oh, my God. - So what do you say?
- Oh, my... - You want to come work for me?
I would be honored to work for you.
Yes, you would. Let's go to your office
and work out the details.
- Oh, my God! Really? - Yes, absolutely.
It's right this way. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
(EXCLAIMS)
So we're all gonna lose our jobs?
Adam, say something that motivates us.
I'm done motivating, okay, Bill?
I couldn't even read her book.
Wouldn't. I wouldn't even...
I can read.
Thank you for seeing something special in me.
To be perfectly honest,
I don't really see it in myself all the time,
but you saw it, and you're a genius,
so it must be real.
- You know what I see in you? - What?
You're good at sales, and I'm a saleswoman.
No, you are so much more than a saleswoman.
You, you see into people's souls.
Yeah.
You think that because I made you think that.
All that profanity and the face-holding
and chanting, I mean, those are just devices that I use
to manufacture emotion.
No, but you said in your book
that authenticity is the main ingredient to dreams.
I stole that from a teenager's Instagram account.
No, but what about being the author of your life?
Well, I'm the author of a book
that's made me very rich and very powerful.
Oh! Okay, look.
You can either come with me and be my assistant
and find out what winning is all about,
or you could stay here at TAC
and be the queen of the Garbage Pail Kids.
What about you with your dad
and me with my mom?
My dad is the nicest guy in the world.
Doesn't even drink. (LAUGHS)
I just told you what you needed to hear.
Don't be a sucker.
(YELLS)
Whoopsie.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC)
Boys are fresh
(HIP-HOP MUSIC)
You gotta, gotta be fresh
And now, the final award of the evening,
the one we've all been waiting weeks for,
Whoopsie of the Year.
- (APPLAUSE) - Whoo!
Yeah!
(CLEARS THROAT)
And the nominees are
Waymond for "Thumbsucker."
Davis Neeves, "Diarrhea Period Pants."
Gary Ghostman, "Lipstick Envelope."
And she's already taken home a few Whoopsies tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, the big boss,
Alice Murphy, for "Bye-bye, Birdie."
Whoo!
(INHALES DEEPLY)
And your winner is...
(DRUMROLL)
Envelope's kind of hard to open.
(LAUGHTER)
There it is. There we go.
(CLEARS THROAT)
The love of my life, Alice Murphy,
for "Bye-bye, Birdie."
Yeah! I knew it!
Suck it!
What now, Ghostman? What now?
You looked like a total idiot up there, Alice. Congratulations.
Let's go ahead and watch her clip one more time.
ALICE: No. No!
You get your hands off me, motherfucker!
Oh, yeah, you like that? Fuck you.
(SPITS) Come on.
What's your badge number, bitch?
I'm gonna take you down!
Fuck you! I'm gonna sue your asses to kingdom come, motherfuckers!
No! Fuck you!
All right, everybody,
I just want to thank and dedicate this award
to the one person who made this all possible for me.
- (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) - Don't you dare play me off!
MAN: Nice.
(IMITATING A CHILD) Did you not win?
Oh, did you lose?
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
(SNORTS) Mmm.
Yeah, clap, motherfuckers!
(LAUGHS AND LIGHT APPLAUSE)
- What's up, Gil? - Hey.
How you like me now?